one thing i really like about birthcut is the "cesarean rage" page... it is making me feel comfortable to talk about something that i have never posted out there before. it makes me realize that i am not alone, i was not wrong or selfish for feeling the way i did about babyhead's birth. that my feeling of loss was normal. that feeling like i failed was ok. that feeling like i had cheated babyhead out of the birth as much as i was cheated out of it was a surprisingly common feeling. that wanting more than a healthy baby wasn't wrong. that crying every time i thought of her delivery was not inappropriate or "overreactional". that crying every time i heard of a vaginal delivery going "fine" and having huge fits of jealousy raging inside of me trying to get out was ok. all of this was ok to feel. it is all a part of a grieving process. and i know that while the love of my life was probably getting tired of hearing about it, rob stood by me a listened and helped me move on - helped my come to terms with my anger and fear and helped me get the birth i wanted. i couldn't have done all of that without him. he is proud of me for fatty mcnattys birth, and proud of me for getting the word out there. part of my grieving process included having a close friend have the birth i had always dreamed of, and because she thought to call me, mere minutes after birth, to tell me the story herself, it became a moment of change, instead of a moment of jealousy. so thank you lauren for that. i see that moment - of me standing in my driveway talking to you on the phone - so clearly. you gave me the courage to move on, to move past and to try again. and you weren't even on that mission. you just wanted to let me know that baby was born. i have to thank my friend catherine, whom while i have never met, she and i have bonded in chat rooms, via e-mail, and phone calls, over failed birth experiences and the courage to VBAC, thank you catherine for believing in me and knowing i could do it. i know you can do it too! i have to thank my mom for coming down here and putting up with me for nearly 3 weeks while we waited and waited and waited for fatty mcnatty to show up. and for helping me and believing in me and trusting my body to do what it needed to even when i started to doubt it. for sharing her experience with me and having me know that 1 high-tech birth does not mean you have to have another. and lastly i need to thank meredith. with her unwavering love, support and strength, i got through the last of the doubt, the last of the emotional pain. she had courage to go forward when i was loosing mine. she had the strength to ask questions and ask for more time when perhaps i might have given in. she was a critical piece of my success and i will be forever indebted to her for that.
i know it has taken me a while to get all of this out. i am sure that there is more to say that i have forgotten. but this is a start.
the best part is that i feel better now then ever. and babyheads "birth", if you can call it that, has faded. i am ok now. and ready to help the next woman. paying it forward.
